Tears

My grandpa moved into our house (where I grew up) on my 17th birthday. We became very close. We did a lot together. One day, nearly three years later, I was preparing for nursing school by coloring in my anatomy coloring book and he was handing me the correct felt tip markers. When it was time for the next marker, he did not hand it to me. When I looked over at him, he was purple and was having a seizure. Long story short, the cancer he had 40 years prior had come back. It was now in his brain and vertebrae. He died a few months later. I do not believe that there has been anyone before or since that admired me as much as he did. We had fun doing things together. My mom says that one of her favorite memories ever was when she was canning in the house and my grandpa and I were making lawn chairs in the shop. The chairs have since decayed, but the memories last. I cried when he died. Someone told me that I should not be crying, because after all, he was in heaven and I should be happy for him.

I pondered...

The verse, "Jesus wept" came to mind. I went back to the story.

I pondered some more...

Lazarus had died. His sisters came to Jesus when he finally arrived 4 days later. They were upset. Why didn't he come sooner? He could have saved him. They didn't understand. Jesus wept when he saw them. He couldn't have been weeping over the loss of his friend because he was God. He knew that he was going to bring him back to life. I believe he wept over the pain that he saw in the sister's faces. He did not condemn them for crying, or hurting, or even their dismay over him taking too long to get there. He cried with them.

Today, I thought back to that time so many years ago when I made a discovery through my own searching.

Today, I once again pondered what it means when I cry.

Today, the diagnosis came. It was the expected one. Myasthenic Like Syndrome (myasthenia caused by mast cells instead of the thymus gland). When the neurologist said it, I listened and tried to comprehend the treatment.  My sister, Joyce, had an appointment with the same doctor shortly after my appointment. I told her that it was a lot easier to suspect a diagnosis for a couple weeks before having it confirmed, because then you can ease into it. I was positive and upbeat.

However, a couple hours after I got home, tears started coming out of my eyes. I don't even know why. I know that may sound stupid, but I really don't know. I don't feel scared, I seem to have lost that emotion after all the experiences I have had in the last few years. I don't feel angry. I don't feel depressed. Josiah asked if it was discouragement. I don't think so. On the night when I realized  I probably had this disease, I know why I cried. I cried because I didn't want it. But since then, I reframed it. I pondered. I found good. I found ways of coping. I trusted in my Father and I knew I was loved by him and he would not waste any of my pain.

When I was a little girl I had my life planned out. I was going to marry a man that would love me like my dad loved my mom. I was going to have six kids, just like my mom and dad did. I had a beautiful future planned out. But then, life happened. It wasn't as I planned. I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It hasn't, but I am not lying when I say it has been good.

However, here I sit with swollen eyes, unable to even figure out why. Maybe it doesn't matter. What does matter is that God knows. He is not looking down at me and saying, "Where is your faith? Don't you know that I have a plan? Where is your joy? Buck up!" No, he is not saying that at all. When I close my eyes, I feel his gentleness. I see a picture in my mind of a God who came to earth and cried over people's pain, even though he knew the future and knew that in a few moments time, they would be rejoicing over their brother's resurrection.

"You (God) have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 Seriously, God cares so much about my pain that he collects my tears in a bottle. Amazing.

"For I know the plans I have for you "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11