Tears

My grandpa moved into our house (where I grew up) on my 17th birthday. We became very close. We did a lot together. One day, nearly three years later, I was preparing for nursing school by coloring in my anatomy coloring book and he was handing me the correct felt tip markers. When it was time for the next marker, he did not hand it to me. When I looked over at him, he was purple and was having a seizure. Long story short, the cancer he had 40 years prior had come back. It was now in his brain and vertebrae. He died a few months later. I do not believe that there has been anyone before or since that admired me as much as he did. We had fun doing things together. My mom says that one of her favorite memories ever was when she was canning in the house and my grandpa and I were making lawn chairs in the shop. The chairs have since decayed, but the memories last. I cried when he died. Someone told me that I should not be crying, because after all, he was in heaven and I should be happy for him.

I pondered...

The verse, "Jesus wept" came to mind. I went back to the story.

I pondered some more...

Lazarus had died. His sisters came to Jesus when he finally arrived 4 days later. They were upset. Why didn't he come sooner? He could have saved him. They didn't understand. Jesus wept when he saw them. He couldn't have been weeping over the loss of his friend because he was God. He knew that he was going to bring him back to life. I believe he wept over the pain that he saw in the sister's faces. He did not condemn them for crying, or hurting, or even their dismay over him taking too long to get there. He cried with them.

Today, I thought back to that time so many years ago when I made a discovery through my own searching.

Today, I once again pondered what it means when I cry.

Today, the diagnosis came. It was the expected one. Myasthenic Like Syndrome (myasthenia caused by mast cells instead of the thymus gland). When the neurologist said it, I listened and tried to comprehend the treatment.  My sister, Joyce, had an appointment with the same doctor shortly after my appointment. I told her that it was a lot easier to suspect a diagnosis for a couple weeks before having it confirmed, because then you can ease into it. I was positive and upbeat.

However, a couple hours after I got home, tears started coming out of my eyes. I don't even know why. I know that may sound stupid, but I really don't know. I don't feel scared, I seem to have lost that emotion after all the experiences I have had in the last few years. I don't feel angry. I don't feel depressed. Josiah asked if it was discouragement. I don't think so. On the night when I realized  I probably had this disease, I know why I cried. I cried because I didn't want it. But since then, I reframed it. I pondered. I found good. I found ways of coping. I trusted in my Father and I knew I was loved by him and he would not waste any of my pain.

When I was a little girl I had my life planned out. I was going to marry a man that would love me like my dad loved my mom. I was going to have six kids, just like my mom and dad did. I had a beautiful future planned out. But then, life happened. It wasn't as I planned. I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It hasn't, but I am not lying when I say it has been good.

However, here I sit with swollen eyes, unable to even figure out why. Maybe it doesn't matter. What does matter is that God knows. He is not looking down at me and saying, "Where is your faith? Don't you know that I have a plan? Where is your joy? Buck up!" No, he is not saying that at all. When I close my eyes, I feel his gentleness. I see a picture in my mind of a God who came to earth and cried over people's pain, even though he knew the future and knew that in a few moments time, they would be rejoicing over their brother's resurrection.

"You (God) have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 Seriously, God cares so much about my pain that he collects my tears in a bottle. Amazing.

"For I know the plans I have for you "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

His Mercies are New Every Morning (and another secret recipe)

I've been going through another pondering phase. I've tried to write several times, but my thoughts were going in so many different directions, it was futile. Today, I found my focus. It is in the title of this post.

I've been having neurological issues that I had been attributing to what I call my "brain thing"(the post stroke problem). However, there were new things coming up. I chose to ignore them. I mean, really, what is the likelihood that a person would have two brain things. I am going to be radical here and say that I really think God is the one who gave us the ability to block some things and keep them out of our minds. Otherwise, people might go nutso. I'm not saying it is good to avoid processing through things, but maybe some things can wait awhile until other stresses calm down a little.

Back to the story...about 4 months ago, I was at work and one of the doctors mentioned that a patient had ptosis (drooping) of just one eye. He said that was not good. I asked him why and he said that it was an indicator of a neurological disease. He said the name, but I did not remember it later. I told him that I had ptosis of my left eye. I noticed it about 6 months ago. He said it wasn't a problem if I were born with it. At that point, I wanted to have been born with it. I chose to block it out of my mind. However, leading up to and during my last hospitalization, I was developing weakness all over my body, instead of just on my right side and my voice would sound funny sometimes. When I went to my neurologist, she told me that she thought I probably had Myasthenic syndrome. I said, "that would be a bummer," and I left and went about my day, trying to keep that thought at bay.

One of the ways I survive life is by not focusing on my problems. I don't completely ignore them because if I did I would end up not treating my anaphylaxis and that would be fatal. I couldn't help but notice weakness, but I just went about my day and tried to ignore it. After the visit to the neurologist, I started paying attention and realized that there were different things going on with me. Sometimes I get weak and numb on my right side only and this is often associated with other symptoms I had during my stroke, such as expressive aphasia(not being able to speak the words I am thinking...have a voice, but the words will not come out), and right sided vision problems. However, at other times I just get weak with no numbness and no associated symptoms. Sometimes I have everything at once. Every day when I wake up I have my voice, then I have Katherine Hepburn's voice and then I have no voice. Every day when I wake up I am strong, then the more I move the weaker I get. All of these symptoms match Myasthenia. To say I am excited about this, would be a lie.

Now for the fun stuff, you know, the glad game. What have I learned? What is good about this? It is in the title of this blog! Every morning, I get to wake up to a new me. I have a voice. I have strong muscles. What a great reminder of God's mercies! They are new every morning! What a powerful reminder and encouragement.

Secondly, I have refined my ability to not worry about the future. It is more automatic. The other day I thought to myself, "I can't even walk on the beach anymore, because I wouldn't know how far I could go and I could lose my ability to walk and end up stranded. A wheelchair can't be pushed in the sand and by the time I got my strength back the tide may well have washed me out to sea." But then I said to myself, "I am not going to the beach today, so what does it matter?" It really doesn't matter. Who knows, I may go into remission tomorrow. I may not, but either way, each day I will have all I need to do what God wants me to do that day.

Some people compare me to Job in the Bible. Actually, lots of people do. However, he lost his children. I still have mine. We both had unsupportive spouses and both of us have/had health problems, but a huge difference other than the kid thing is that he had rotten friends who gave rotten advise. Here he was, a Godly man and they were telling him that all this happened to him because he sinned. That hasn't happened to me once. I have the best friends and family a person could have. In fact, at my family reunion, my family gathered around me and prayed over me. I am so lifted up by the people in my life. I am beyond grateful.

And since I am so beyond grateful and people are requesting my secret chili recipe, here it is...

Start by soaking in a lot of water(at least to twice the level of the beans)

       1 1/3 cups pinto beans

        1 1/3 cup kidney beans

       1 1/3 cups black beans

Soak all day or overnight. Pour into colander and rinse.

Fry up 4 pounds of ground beef and 1 medium onion in a very large pot.

Add 2 large cans tomato juice
2 quarts canned tomatoes
1/4 cup chili powder
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon minced dried garlic
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 1/2 tsp coriander
1 1/2 tsp basil
1 1/2 tsp oregano
1 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
3/4 tsp pepper

I cook this all together for most of a day. Then I transfer it to a crock pot and cook for another day. Cooking it for so long blends the flavors nicely. This is not a spicey chili. If you want it "hotter", just adjust the spices accordingly.

It's Time for a Happy Blog!

I asked God to please give me ideas for a happy blog. I don't like being "deep" all the time. I like laughing. So, this blog is mostly just a happy blog about various subjects.

First of all, for those who read the blog, "Do They Call it the Am I Going to Wear a Pink Ribbon Room?" The mass in the pink ribbon place simply disappeared. No real explanation from the doctor, it is just gone. That was a double happy thing.

Now, people won't understand the next story unless I tell the face story. Sorry to those of you who already know the story. A couple months back...May-June, I was diagnosed with an invasive-aggressive cancer on my nose. I had never heard of this kind of cancer I'm a nurse, so you would have thought I would of it, but only 1 in 1,000,000 women get it. The National Institutes of Health does not paint a pretty picture about it and recommends radical surgery...like removing half a person's face. I was not overly excited about that prospect, but tried to be positive and optimistic. It turned out well and at this point people would not even notice the scar unless they looked close. Anyway, a few days back, I felt strong enough to go to the grocery store to get a few things. As I parked, I was sending up a quick prayer that I would not see anyone I knew. The reason for the quick prayer was because, having been on high doses of steroids for my anaphylaxis, I developed what they call a moon face. I don't really know why they call it that. The moon looks much too small to compare with the size my face gets when I am on that many steroids. I prefer to call it a "Baboon face". It got so big this time that it was hard to sit and talk because there was so much chin and it was hard to turn my face from side to side because I get this extra face going on from my cheeks to my ears. My face had gotten a slight bit smaller, but I REALLY did not want anyone to see me. As I'm walking across the parking lot, I see someone I know. I said, "seriously, God?". So the person says, "Hi, Dawn." Gives me a friendly hug and says, "You look great!" I was speechless for a moment and cocked my head to the side and said, "I have prednisone face, and just yesterday a doctor told me I looked awful." I have a tendency to say what I am thinking. He said, "I didn't notice that. Your nose is amazing. I wouldn't have even noticed that you had surgery. It is a miracle." OK, every time I see this guy I think, "God, I messed up again." He has a way of kindly bringing my attention to things I need to do better. I mean, here I was, just a few months after I dodged a huge bullet, so to speak, complaining about my face. Prednisone face goes away. It should be gone on September 29th. Not that I am counting the days...well, truthfully I am. Now, every morning when I see my face in the mirror, I say, "God, I love my nose and thank you that I still have a face." It's all about perspective.

My last subject is about recipes. I LOVE recipes. I read cookbooks like other people read novels. I have developed a secret recipe. It is for granola. I have made it umpteen times and change it a little each time. There are two ingredients that make it a step above other granola. My younger son, who lives with me loves it. He knows the secret ingredients, but he does not tell anyone. He lets people eat some and when they ask for the recipe he tells them, "Sorry, it's a secret." Well, I got to thinking the other day that if everyone kept their recipes a secret, there would be no recipe books. I am not quite sure what specific sin I am committing by not sharing the recipe, but I am sure I am committing one, or maybe more. SO I am going to share the recipe on my blog. I told my son and he was shocked. However, it is the right thing to do.

The secret of the granola is in the vanilla, the cinnamon and how much you put in. If you are using real vanilla, use the amount given. If you are using imitation, you might want to use a little more. The amount of cinnamon used depends on a few things. Cinnamon gives some people, like me, heartburn, so the amount listed is for people who may get heartburn. If you don't, I suggest you put more in because it has great benefits for the heart!

Mix together-
9 cups old fashioned oatmeal
3/4 cup chopped almonds (you can use any combination of nuts to equal 1 1/2 cups)
3/4 cup sun flower seeds
1 1/2 cups ground flax(there are more health benefits with ground flax than the seeds)

Spread onto 2 jelly roll pans-the pans that look like cookie sheets only they have 1 inch sides. Cook at 300 for 20 minutes, stirring after 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, cook until just before it boils-
1 1/2 cups honey
3/4 or 1 cup canola oil
3/4 cup brown sugar
Add 2 tablespoons vanilla
1 Tablespoon cinnamon
Mix with cooked cereal.

Bake at 300 for 7 minutes longer. Dump in a large bowl.

Mix in
3 cups crisp rice cereal
1 1/2 cups chopped dried apricots or dried apples...basically any dried fruit you want. I try to use whatever I dried during the summer/fall.
1 1/2 cup dried cranberries-you can use whatever other fruit you want, but I am partial to dried cranberries.

Let cool. Stir it up as it cools to keep it from clumping. Enjoy.

It was fun writing a happy blog. Hope you all enjoyed reading it and that you enjoy the granola!

Have a great day! By the way, did you know that if you say, "I am great" like you mean it for the first couple hours after you wake up, you end up feeling great! It works every time for me!

My happy mom with my happy sister, Joyce. I think they are two lovely ladies!