I did not mean to go this long without
doing a blog. I wanted to do one entitled, "In defense of
Autumn", but I was always too exhausted to even transfer the
pictures I wanted to use onto the blog. Now that Thanksgiving is
past, I guess it is too late. It was going to be a fun, happy blog
and I like fun, happy blogs. I asked God the other day why it seemed
my lot to write deep, emotional blogs when, really, I like to
laugh and have fun as well. I didn't get an answer.
Quite frankly, this Myasthenia thing has been kicking me. I continued to try to fight back and
continue to do the things I felt I needed to do, but it didn't work.
Two weeks ago I ended up at OHSU because of a "myasthenic
crisis". Whereas I am called an under-responder to my
anaphylaxis (it doesn't scare me), I was totally traumatized over the
myasthenic thing. It has caused me to ponder things a lot.
Josiah
was at college and very worried about me, so when I got out of the
hospital, Joyce drove me to his school to pick him up and bring him
home for a day. I told him that I knew I didn't look so good, but
that I wanted him to know that I was improving rapidly. He told me
that was no comfort to him because I looked really bad and if I was a
lot worse than that, he found it very scary. Joyce didn't know the
way to get home from Josiah's college, so I went along when she took
him to school, so I could help her find the way back. It just so
happened that a huge storm came through and stranded us in Seaside,
OR.
It
wasn't lost on me that this could well be God's way of getting me to
sit still for awhile. So I sat and I pondered. I asked myself a lot
of questions. I asked God a lot of questions. I didn't ask people a
lot of questions because people stress over me and I don't want to
make it worse. I felt traumatized. Mental health professionals call
the "Glad Game", "re-framing". So let's just say,
I kept trying to re-frame things and no matter how I did it, it was
hard. I kept hearing this God voice in my head saying, "trust
me" and I can say that I honestly did not quit trusting. I still
believed that all days are good, but some days are hard and I
believed that God never wastes my pain. However, hard is, well, hard.
Just because I believe all those things does not make me immune to
intense pain.
I
remember sitting and looking out the window at people in the hot tub
and people in the pool and people just walking on the beach and I
wondered if it was a sin to want so badly to just be able to do the
things they were doing.
I
thought back on my life and tried to figure out why losing
responsibilities made me feel so lost and useless. I thought back to
ten years ago, when my ex-husband left. I felt less than worthless at
that point. I had tried so hard to please, that my whole life
revolved around trying to please. When he left, I no longer knew why
I did anything I did other than to please him. I slowly found myself
again. I determined that I would be a success, and in people's eyes I
was. People thought I could do anything and fix everything. No one
knew how I could do so much. By the time of the accident, I realized
that I had become too independent. You see, if you depend on others,
they may let you down. It is safer to rely on yourself even if it is
a struggle. It wasn't even just about being a success or being
independent, it was about wanting to help people. I love to help
people.
Now I
was faced with just me apart from what I accomplish (or don't
accomplish). How could I give up any more responsibilities and still
have any self worth left. (Once again, some of you are screaming the
answer...I know and have known the answer, but knowing and feeling
are two different things). Silent tears...so many silent tears during
those days of questioning.
When
we got home, I went to my mom's house. My brother was there. I told
him how the myasthenia thing had scared me and I never wanted it to
happen again. He broached the
subject of moving my parents to the house next to one of my sister's
to relieve me of the responsibilities I currently had with them. For
10 years I have been helping them. Long before people knew they
needed help, I was helping them. I always wanted them to be able to
stay at home until they passed. I planned to make that a reality for
them, but I knew that what my brother said made sense. I didn't want
it, but the choices were limited. After the myasthenic crisis, I knew
that it would be quite easy for me to die just trying to continue
what I had been doing.
When absolutely no one agrees with you,
does that mean that maybe you are wrong? When I talked to any friend
or family member, not one of them agreed with me about continuing to
live life as I previously had. All of them told me I needed to pace
myself. I am not a "pace yourself" kind of person. However,
after a lot of pondering it occurred to me that all the people I
encountered from family to friends to coworkers loved me for me and
not for anything I had done. All of them asked or begged me to stop
doing so I could continue to be (as in be alive).
So now I had come full circle. As a
child I felt loved apart from anything I did. As a wife I felt
rejected no matter how hard I tried. Then I felt loved for all I was
doing and now I realize that I am loved just by being who I am.
This has been a very hard lesson. I
feel kind of lost, trying to find my place in this world once again.
The only reason I know things are under
control is because I believe in the One who has control.
Now for the last part of the title of
this blog...Thankfulness. Leading up to Thanksgiving, there have been
a lot of people who are posting what they are thankful for. This is a
great thing, but one thing I have noticed, is that all the things
listed are nice things like family and food and friends and nice
possessions. While it is appropriate to be thankful for these things,
I believe that it is also important to be thankful for things like
anaphylaxis and myasthenia and painful relationships and
struggles of every kind, because it is in the struggles that we learn
the most important things in life. Carbon turns to diamond under
intense heat and pressure. People shine more brightly when they let
the heat and pressure of life transform them.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren,
when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your
faith produces endurance. And let endurance have it's perfect effect
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2
"My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is perfected in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
BTW-I haven't given up on getting
better. Never, ever give up!
