Those are Just the Advertisements

A week ago last Wednesday, I was so fragile that I knew if I was hit with one more anaphylaxis, I would not survive. It was not a scary thought; more of a simple knowing. Although it would seem I would consider it a hard day, it ended up being one of the best days of my life. This was because God put a picture in my mind of  the tapestry of my life. It is hard to explain, but the jist of it was that I saw an overview of my life. The high points of my life were actually the hard times and one event built on the next until I arrived at where I am today. I saw that all the things I consider myself a failure at were not really the important things. The important things were what my goals have been for as long as I can remember...to glorify God and to share his love with people. My ability to accomplish those goals was developed during the hard times of my life.

What was so significant to me about that morning was that the burden of failure was lifted from my shoulders. I have been so weighted down by that burden. As an adult I was constantly told that I was a failure. No matter how hard I tried, I was still considered a failure. I was told the only reason people liked me was because they did not know me. I do not live under that influence anymore, yet the weight of failure would not leave me. There were times of breaking free from it, but it always returned.

People say many things about failure. I have heard,"if you think you are a failure, you will be". That is not necessarily true. There are many successful people in this world who consider themselves failures. They continue to strive, day after day to succeed in their own eyes or in the eyes of someone they care about, but no matter how hard they try to shrug the burden of failure off their shoulders, they are unable to do so.

I have also heard that the only failures are the people that quit trying. The path to success is filled with times of failure. If we are trying to accomplish something, we will have failures along the way. There is a great book by John Maxwell called "Failing Forward" which gives example after example of all the failures that successful people endured before they found success. This book chipped away at my sense of failure, but the burden still remained.

When people would complement me, I would think, "well, they are saying that because they do not really know me." No matter what the complement was, I would find a reason in my head to discount it.

On that Wednesday morning, God not only showed me what the important things in life were, but he told me that he was pleased with me. Tears trickled down my face onto my pillow. All I have really wanted in life was to please my Father, God. I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. I felt the gentle arms of God holding me and I rested.

Later that day, I saw that my younger son was upset about something. I sat and listened as he poured out his heart. He felt like a failure. He was not where he wanted to be in life. As I was listening to him, it came to mind that the things he was talking about, were just the advertisements of life. The real show, what really counted, was his heart, his caring for people and showing them God's love. Advertisements are necessary, but they are not the main show. Not only that, but I pointed out to him that if life had gone how he had planned, he would not be living with me and if he had not been living with me for the past year and a half, I likely would not have survived. I try my hardest, but sometimes I cannot think well during my anaphylactic events and would have failed to do what I needed to if it were not for him.

I have chosen to open my heart to people. I have chosen to reveal my faults, my pain and my joy. Many years ago, I was struggling with something and felt all alone. Then a woman came to me and shared. This woman had struggled with the very thing I struggled with. I no longer felt alone. This is why I share. It is not always easy, but my hope is, that in my sharing, someone out there might feel encouraged; might feel some hope; might feel that they are not alone.

God bless you all and may you have your eyes opened so that you might see that you are precious. You are a treasure and no matter how many times you have failed, you are not a failure.